Eyebrows vs The World
by ExtremeEly23
Summary: A collection of short humorous ficlets with no specific plot, nor connection to one another, serving simply to add a little dash of hilarity to brighten your day. Will likely be updated occasionally as I come up with ideas. Reviews, ideas and prompts are always much obliged and greatly appreciated!
1. Do they really purr?

There was a whisper, a small one, immediately followed by a harsh "SHHH".

Nonon's, Satsuki deduced.

She wanted to laugh. Did they really, truly, believe they could sneak up on her; Satsuki Kiryuin?

She counted the footfalls; one, three, eight. Eight? With eyes still shut a smirk slid across her lips.

Although she was neither surprised nor shocked that four people, one of whom being Nonon Jakuzure, were currently creeping up to her bed at 3am whilst they believed her to be asleep, the question still remained as to why.

That question was quickly answered, however, when an argument broke out between 2 pairs of the eight feet.

"Are you sure, Matoi?" Nonon whispered dryly.

"I told you, I was…"

Painful momentary silence.

A sigh.

"I was cuddling her the other day and I was petting her head and then jokingly pet her eyebrows and i heard purring." Ryuko finished.

"You two had better shut up or she's going to wake up and skin us all alive"

Sanageyama. So that was six of the eight feet identified.

"Although Sanageyama is indeed correct in applying caution in such a situation, I would like to interject that I have made the necessary calculations, and Lady Satsuki should be deep in REM sleep by this point, and far less likely to wake up."

Ahh, so the student council was paying her a visit; how kind of them. The ever-faithful Gamagoori didn't seem to be present however, perhaps more opposed than the others to the thought of watching his Lady while she slept.

"Just shut up and watch, turtle-neck. I'll show you." Ryuko growled as silently as she could.

Satsuki knew they couldn't see her in the dark, and thus allowed herself a Cheshire Cat grin as Ryuko's hand neared the strike zone.

It was mere millimetres from making contact now and Satsuki readied herself as Ryuko's warm fingertip touched a single hair of her left eyebrow.

"RYUKO MATOI!"

She heard Ryuko's yelp, Nonon's squeak and Sanangeyama's quiet swearing.

"A KIRYUIN'S EYEBROWS ARE NOT FOR PETTING! THEY KILL AND CONSUME ANY WHO DARE TOUCH THEM!"


	2. Beware the thin walls

The day upon which Satsuki Kiryuin learned _truly _how thin the walls of the Honnouji Academy 4-star dormitories were began like any other, with meetings held in the high-altitude conference room within the academy itself, whereupon the onslaught would begin.

It began subtly; sideways glances from Nonon, the persistent and irritating grin dancing upon Sanageyama's lips, Gamagoori's unwillingness for eye contact; well they were more things the average human would consider subtle, but Satsuki was far from a normal human.

Around lunchtime, however, the innuendos began, each one more painful than the last._  
_

"Lady Satsuki, may we break for lunch? I have an important meeting with…Mankanshoku" Gamagoori requested, in a tone closer to a shout than anything else.

Nonon pounced at the opportunity with glee.

"I doubt Lady Satsuki would be hungry, Gamagoori,"

Her head turned to make eye contact with Satsuki, and the aura of impudence was pungeunt.

"She ate late last night."

It took Satsuki a moment; two, if she was being honest, but the moment she understood, so did the others, and thus came the beginning of the end.

"Yes, I do believe I heard her having a midnight snack" Hoka interjected, pulling his collar from his mouth before replacing it, his grin clearly visible through the fabric.

Uzu Sanageyama, who had dozed off somewhere about halfway through the meeting saw this as a good opportunity to wake up and ask Nonon what the current topic of discussion was.

"Oh we were just discussing Lady Satsuki's meal late last night." the little imp grinned.

Oh, how greatly Satsuki wished to shove that conductor's baton up her insolent little a-

"Meal? I thought she was banging Matoi last night."

There was a loud slump as Gamagoori passed out in a rather uncharacteristic manner.

"YOU IDIOTIC NORTHERN KANTO MONKEY! DON'T JUST SAY IT OUTRIGHT!"

Satsuki's hand met her bright red face as the door opened and Ryuko Matoi, still wearing her pyjamas took in te sight before her.

Nonon Jakuzure, that pink-haired nutbag was currently attacking Sanageyama. Gamagoori appered to be down for the count and the computer geek was grinning so hard he might pull a muscle, and there was Satsuki with her face buried in her hands.

The room fell silent after a few moments, however, and Ryuko felt all eyes in the room turn to her.

Satsuki had renewed hope, perhaps Ryuko could save her; rescue her from this nightmarish scenario.

"Satsuki I made you coffee, I thought you'd be tired after last night."

Unbelievable.


	3. Pun La Pun

A/N: Based off the prompt of Ryuko saying "Blow Me"

* * *

"Blow Me, Kiryuin!"

Satsuki did little more than allow the corners of her mouth to curl ever so slightly upwards as Ryuko went careering off Rainbow Road for the seventh time that evening.

The controller slammed to the floor as Ryuko slumped back in to the soft fabric of the sofa, eyebrows twitching ridiculously as she directed a scowl beyond the physical limitations of her facial muscles toward the television.

"Good job on that frown; although the twitching eyebrows detract greatly from the overall impression of anger." Satsuki bemusedly remarked, still basking in the radiance of her high score with Bowser, the character whom Ryuko had previously dubbed 'the slowest in the game'.

"I don't even get an acknowledgement to my insult? How disappointing."

"I was merely unsure as to why you would instruct me to 'blow you' when I know from previous experience that you lack the necessary equipment for me to perform such a request."

Satsuki's tone was…amused? Seductive?

"However, if you ask _nicely_, I'd be more than happy to supply a…_suitable replacement._"

Ryuko fought and failed to repress the seedy grin rapidly descending upon her cheeks.

"Your well and truly on the Rainbow Road, in more ways than one."

Ignoring her horrible pun, Satsuki's right hand slid up to gently rest upon Ryuko's clavicle, beginning a white-hot descent downwards.

Just as it was nearing it's destination, Satsuki leaned in, eyes fluttering shut as she neared Ryuko's lips.

Ryuko sat up to meet the kiss, awaiting the soft contact.

…Still awaiting that soft contact

Where was the soft contact?

Opening her eyes Ryuko was met with the sight of Satsuki directly in front of her before she was hit with a blast of warm air as Satsuki hopped back to her side of the couch before she could receive the wrath of an infuriated (and slightly embarrassed) Ryuko.

"DAMNIT SATSUKI!"

"What's the matter? I thought-"

"NO"

"I thought you wanted-"

"DON'T YOU SAY IT"

"I thought you wanted to be blown."


	4. Salads & Swearing

**A/N: based on a prompt i received for businesswoman Satsuki and her new ****secretary Ryuko**

* * *

"I'll have a greek salad; no olives. And a glass of water, please."

Ryuko was in awe.

Never in her life had she experienced someone with a rod _so unbelievably far up their own ass _as the woman currently sitting opposite her.

It didn't seem physically possible for her to sit as straight as she did, and Ryuko's own hunched shoulders gave her the appearance of a Neanderthal when compared to the taller woman, although her personality most likely lined up in the same way, if Ryuko could take a guess. It was hard enough to censor her usual string of profanities, and the woman had yet to speak two words to her.

What was an appropriate conversation topic?

What could she say that wouldn't put her on the receiving end as the same horrified frown she had directed towards the interior decorating of the restaurant?(which Ryuko noted wasn't actually that bad)

"I uh…I like your pantsuit."

'Nicely done Ryuko just compliment her goddamned outfit and look like a creep'

"Thanks, it itches like a fucking bitch though and I…" Satsuki trailed off in horror, suddenly aware of what had just slipped past her lips.

"You've got an awfully foul mouth for such a high-class businesswoman." Ryuko commented with a conceited grin.

"And I like it."

She watched as Satsuki Kiryuin, Vice President of the REVOCS multi-national business conglomerate and economic empire, turned a very mild shade of pink, yet somehow managed to maintain a sullen glare.

"Shut up with the sweet talk, secretary, before I shove my high heel up your ass."

"Woah, on the first date? Comin' on a little strong now, aren't we?"

Satsuki's mouth opened, and then closed, as she thought better of whatever comeback she was planning to throw back at her new employee.

In a matter of seconds, the mood between the two had relaxed greatly, and it seemed to Ryuko that Satsuki's ass-rod had all but disappeared.

"I hate ordering salads." She suddenly remarked sourly to Ryuko.

"Then why do you do it?"

"All part of my image. I'm the 'high-class businesswoman', remember?"

Ryuko nodded in understanding. She too found salads to be physically painful, and it occurred to her that she would hate to watch Satsuki have to suffer through one for her sake.

"Hey, wanna ditch this crap-shack and go order a burger down by the pier?"

"There is nothing I would love more."


	5. Appointed Crazy Cat Lady

"I can't believe this"

Satsuki's contemptuous gaze fell upon the girl to her left, who seemed perfectly content with the three fluffy masses currently treating her body as an article of furniture for their own personal use.

"I cannot believe this."

"Oh loosen up, Eyebrows. Three cats is not_ that_ many."

Satsuki sighed deeply, rubbing her temples in sheer anguish at the situation that had quickly spiraled well out of her control.

"I remember clearly that we agreed to adopt exactly _one _cat from the shelter, and yet here we are, two days later, with not one, but THREE of these pompous, stuck-up felines to deal with."

Ryuko turned to look at Satsuki silently then, her right eyebrow rising so high as to threaten detachment from her face.

_'Are you sure there aren't four?' _was the question that seemed to beg for freedom from Ryuko's maw.

"Your obsession with these…_creatures…_is horrifying to say the least."

"I prefer the term 'crazy cat lady'"

Satsuki reciprocated with sullen silence and a clenched jaw as the small Siamese sneezed and subsequently fell from Ryuko's lap, pouncing back up a moment later to writhe amongst the other two, jostling for a comfortable position.

"At least help me name the Calico."

"No."

"But you two have so much in common!"

"Ryuko you are beyond the point of insanity."

"Don't act so uppity, just give the kitty a damned name." Ryuko's voice had shot from smitten to her usual gruff tone in less than a second.

Getting up abruptly, Ryuko picked up the Calico, marched over to Satsuki and plopped the small animal in her lap, watching in complacence as Satsuki cringed violently and attempted to melt in to her chair.

"Name her."

* * *

"Ryuko, get Princess a can of tuna and two vitamin pills, I thought i heard her sniffling the other day and i don't want her to catch a kitty-cold. No I don't, no I don't Princess, I love you too much for that you little cutie."

Ryuko mimed a gag as Satsuki kissed the top of the Calico's head affectionately.

It had taken less than six months for Satsuki's radical transformation to occur, and by this time, Ryuko was one hundred percent certain she had been overthrown as resident Crazy Cat Lady.

Ryuko, however, was overjoyed at the seemingly constant opportunities that arose for hilarious (in her opinion) innuendos and srategical use of the word 'pussy'.


	6. The Nose Knows

"I saw that."

Ryuko froze, like a deer caught in headlights.

Her mouth opened to speak, but no words came out.

She looked down in contempt at her accursed pointer finger, having realised that this would be the last time around Satsuki she would be able to experience that sweet feeling.

In all honesty, she was surprised it had taken Satsuki this long to notice something she did so regularly, especially with her all-seeing eyes (which were somewhat assisted by Hoka's technological installations)

Ryuko wasn't going to take this lying down, though. She would fight for her right to experience life to the fullest.

"It's my nose, Eyebrows. I'll pick it if I want to." she asserted with confidence.

She looked to Satsuki's reaction, expecting disgust; horror, maybe. She was not, however, expecting a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

"I agree completely." the steel queen sweetly replied, a hint of conceit dancing on the edge of her words.

Ryuko's eyes narrowed as she reached down to deftly wipe the finger on her pants.

Something was fishy here.

"What are you getting at..."

The corner of Satsuki's mouth twitched.

"I just can't believe that the mature and intelligent Ryuko Matoi…"

Satsuki was starting to sound almost complimentary.

"_picks her nose_"

A growl seemed to emanate from deep in Ryuko's throat.

"Listen, Kiryuin, you can think what you want. I'm not about to stop because you disapprove."

"Oh, you misunderstand, Ryuko. I have no issue with you picking your nose; please feel free to continue."

Although still feeling unsatisfied, Ryuko brought her finger back to her nostril to continue her explorations.

"Just remember that you have exchanged one place that finger was previously allowed to go for 'up your nose'."

The shock hit Ryuko's face with the force of a hurled brick, and her exploring finger froze.

"No." she whispered.

Satsuki smiled complacently, standing up to exit the room, but pausing just as she reached the door.

"You can pick your girlfriend, and you can pick your nose, but you can't touch said girlfriend after picking your nose."

It took Ryuko exactly 3 days to give up nose-picking.


End file.
